Running (long walks) does something else. When you are on a long run alone, it can be a spiritual journey as issues cycle in your head and you begin to battle demons. Those demons that lurk in the dark parts of your mind, can surface and challenge who you are and what you do. As the miles go by, the things that conflict in your head will pull you in different directions and, if you allow it, emotions can flow. Sure you might talk to yourself as the war continues and you try to strategically reason out what should logically happen. Sometimes thoughts are not logical, and that what you must do in order to win that battle is no longer to fight for the injustice but to allow a visualisation of peace and love to overcome your very own being so that change can happen.
A Brief Personal History
Over the last 10 years, there was a patch of darkness in my life. A disagreement between myself and someone close had arisen.
As the situation became heated we fired pot shots at each other, and then I stopped firing as he reminded me of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 from the bible.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Sadly he carried on with pot shots, wanting to take away for what he thought he had given me! I turned away, no longer providing fuel for him to carry on raging, no longer wanting to try to fix a relationship. Although I did nothing he allowed his demons to tell him I did, and I became deeply sad and disappointed with his continued attempts over the years to demean my personal and business integrity. I thought I had forgiven him, but really I would never trust this person again as I feel his resentment overpowers him.
I thought I'd learned a lesson from that dark moment but I hadn't. I would pray for this person, that he discover true happiness and find peace but I did not want him in my life even though we are from the same blood. Really I thought he needed to change but it is me who needs to change in order to heal properly. I still carry the scar of our battle and I have refused to visualise a time when we would be able to reconcile.
As we journey through life, more scars gather and similar situations arise until we heal the first scar so that all the others will be swallowed.
In 2011-2012, I seemed to be fighting people who wronged others and that I had tried to help. I believed in the best of them. The last case affected me most. This man is not from the country, gained European status by marrying someone from Germany and
after a brief period left her so that he could rob the British benefits system and set a web of lies to gain trust. I naively helped this person and his Polish girlfriend find accomodation. In turn, he set on a destructive path to bully individuals in the house using his race to inflict his justification to "punish" others. He would perverse everyone's sense of being PC (politically correct) by using their
PC-nest against them. One of the tenants had to call the police in as he felt threatened by this man. However, "this man" continued to force people out of the house and at the end of his time in the house he had tried to destroy the house by stuffing paper into light bulb fittings. Thankfully the central fuse box would trip each time the lights were switched on. We had to take him to court to get him removed from the house as the British system appears to give more human rights to the wrong doers than to those who also need protecting (that is how I feel at present). He legally owes money to the house owners and to the system that he lied to, but he walks as a free person proudly quoting that he forgives everyone for the wrong they have done to him! And so I carry a fresh scar. I see this person frequently enough in my environment and I am meant to forgive this person and see this person as a spiritual being. Really what I want, is to see this person brought to justice or at the least be asking for forgiveness.
The Three Beings of Human
Both stories show narcissistic personalities that bully and manipulate others. There are corporations that can also act narcissistically. I dislike bullies whether they are individuals or organisations. However I have recently become aware that we are made up of 3 parts: flesh; emotional; spiritual. As I become older and more opinionated, I have allowed those narcissistic personalities to affect my emotional and spiritual being. I have allowed the intrusion of negative emotions to eat into the positive emotions and thus how my spiritual being senses the world.
When we are battling, we are justifying ourselves and how the other side needs to change and take responsibility. On my training runs I now understand it is not that the other side needs to change, it is us who need to change our emotional state so that we dance in light and instead of the shadows.
Arrowhead Ultra will provide me with 135 miles to sort out my spiritual side as long as the flesh holds up and the emotional side does not make me teary about past happenings. Well....depending on temperatures, tears freeze and cold cheeks can turn to frozen cheeks (frostnip) and if unchecked can give you frostbite!
I am pulling for peace. Peace in my own being and peace in the world we live. I run to "be".
For those who want to support a cause I run for see: https://mydonate.bt.com/events/rimaultra2/110890